Resolutions

So I’m halfway through my first week of the new year with no work and trying not to freak out. That’s what I do—freak out. I’m probably the only person on the planet that freaks out when they have more than a week off work. I can’t really explain it, but I think this is when it all started. I graduated college in December of 2012 and 3-4 years leading up to that I worked from home besides working my regular job. When people asked me what I did in my free time, I said, “What free time?” I would come home from work and work and then work on school stuff. But by 2013 my school time was gone and so was my work from home; I got laid off. I’ve been struggling with my every bit of free time since then. I like to be busy. I like to feel like I’m working towards something, but at the same time it’s hard to push myself when I don’t have a job or curriculum urging me to finish. Every personal goal practically goes by the wayside—bettering my Spanish, learning sign language, learning piano, working out more than 3-4 times a week. When I have absolutely NOTHING only my plate, all of this should be doable plus more. But I shut down. I get lazy. I get unmotivated. I get depressed. It’s like this free time has handcuffed me to the bed and I feel less than motivated to fight back.

I hate admitting this, especially to people that I know would pray for an extra few hours in their day for themselves. What a weird life we live in. I’m trying my best to be grateful for everything I have, including time. My top resolution is to try and use my time more wisely. I know others would pray for this time I’ve so haphazardly wasted. #what it my purpose? #Wake up with a Purpose!

 

All You Need is Love… and a Bunch of Other Stuff

It’s a nice thought to think that all you need is love, but it’s not very practical. First, maybe love should be defined. The dictionary defines love as: ‘deep affection’, ‘strong feelings of like’, and ‘feelings of passion or desire’. For many people, it’s indescribable, and it goes much further. But are those other feelings actually love or just things you do when you love someone? Let me explain.

A parent can love a child and their “love” may include: feeding, sheltering, clothing, educating, protecting, etc. A husband can love his wife and his “love” can may include: providing a home, protection, gifts, praise, trust, respect, consideration, patience, love making, etc. But what if some of these things are lacking? Does that mean the parent loves the child any less or the husband loves his wife any less? When you break down love it really can be very simple, yet why do we make it so complex? Why do relationships fall apart? Is it because there is a lack of love? Perhaps. Yet, I believe love is something that is grown over time. It can also fade, but I think it’s the noise around us that disturbs the balance in our lives and therefore disrupts what we perceive to be love. We all have outer and inner noise. We are constantly changing beings. We are fragile. We are not perfect.

What am I getting at? I’ve seen relationships fall apart whether it be among friends, family members, or significant others. Some relationships are just not meant to be and not every relationship is meant to last forever. How many people do you still actively keep in your life now that were in your life 5 or 10 or 20 years ago? I look back at some my own relationships that have ended and think, “Did I really ever love them?” Of course I did. There are different depths to love. Some people you will always love and other times love will cease altogether.

Love is something you need to nurture, just like a garden. You need to water it, protect it from predators, and pull out the weeds. Though it sounds easy enough, we all know that unforeseen obstacles can occur. Sometimes a poisonous plant can sprout. Gardens can be beautiful, but what if you don’t know how to tend to a garden? What if you are only use to growing daisies and now you are suppose grow tomatoes and carrots? What if everything in your garden dies? Does it doesn’t mean you didn’t try? Does it mean you didn’t love it enough? No, because love is not all you need. It takes a bunch of other stuff to make a garden flourish. Every garden is different. There is no secret recipe that makes all gardens grow.

In short, love is a feeling, and relationships do take some effort. I say effort, not work. Very few relationships are effortless, and very few relationships should take hard work. The amount of love you have for someone isn’t necessarily going to make the relationship easier or harder. The amount of effort you put into a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to make the other person love you more.

Just be sure that you know what love means to you and when you do love someone, tell them all the time, and mean it, and show it, and BRING IT!

Where the Hell am I?

I look at my life and I can’t believe where I am. That’s a weird statement in itself. Did I ever really have exact plans for this point in my life? No. But looking at my life, it’s not exactly what I expected. I am now living in Michigan. Near Detroit. If I had a gun, I’d shoot booth those statements. I’d shoot them because that’s not where I pictured my life. I don’t want to live in the cold. And if I live near or in a big city, I don’t want it to be in a city that has a poor reputation like Detroit. It’s crazy because big cities always have a good and bad side. Yet, with Detroit no one ever talks up a good side. My neighborhood is great. I feel safe. It is safe. I don’t live in Detroit. Yet that is the biggest city near me and I have to drive through it to get to almost anywhere else. It’s worn down. It’s a drag to drive through. Graffiti and riffraff everywhere. I can’t even veer off the major highways to take another route home because I would be driving in the “hood”. But here I am.

Why am I here? Because I fell in love with a great guy that lives here (OUTSIDE of Detroit). I can’t explain it all, only that he has dreamed of owning a home. And he has a home here that he pays for. A home he really likes in an area he feels comfortable in. A perfectly respectable, spacious home that anyone would be proud of. And the more time I spend with him and here, the more I realize this place isn’t so bad. A friend of mine recently posted a quote on Facebook that summed up things: “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it.” – Eckhart Tolle

Every day I’ve strived to be better about giving thanks for things, and when I do, my day goes better. Go figure. Whatever that future holds, I feel hopeful.

I just want to say thank you to my lovey!

Lend me your zen?

Small, Dark & Handsome

Will you lend me your zen?
I’m bereft and appalled!
Is it part of an upgrade? Was it pre-installed?

A piece of your peace;
That’s all I’m requesting.
Don’t need it full-time; take it back when I’m resting.

Make me a mantra!
I’ll chant whateva.
I just need the words, phrases, timing, et cetera.

Teach me to meditate!
Please, just be sweet.
Don’t laugh when I ultimately fall asleep.

You wanna do yoga?
I’ll probably fall.
At least I can say that I tried after all.

Help me help myself.
My aura is wretched.
I’d love to repair it, but don’t have a method…

– Lew

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Words to the Wise

Once upon a time there was this little brown-haired, hazel-eyed girl named Kiki. She went around asking everyone, “What is the meaning of life?” No one ever had an answer. However, there was always plenty of advice they offered. “If you run around madder than a wet hen, you will only be miserable. Always get lots of sleep or you will be dying on the vine. If you fall asleep at the switch you will lose your job. Never swear. But you can always shout: you dipstick! – or – you turkey! – or – Nuts! However, if the situation is really bad and you need to throw in a cuss word then damn sammit, do it, but not in front of Lady Jane. Be sure to get out of the house every once a while and go knock around somewhere. Be present and in the moment. It will lead to quick thinking and everyone will call you Johnny on the spot. Don’t drink too much or you will constantly have to run to the John. Avoid overeating by just eating nibbsies. If you can’t do something for someone else, do it for yourself or for Pete’s sake or for heaven’s sake. But whatever action you do take always be honest to Pete. When anything gets your goat just try using one of these phrases and it’ll put a smile on your face.

The End

(This piece is dedicated to my mom who uses these in her day to day life and always keeps her family smiling!)

You’re not a Superhero, but you’re a super person (part 1)

Don’t take this the wrong way. I definitely know superheroes, and we can’t all be one, but I was thinking about life and where I’ve been and where I’m going and like many, I’m feeling a little behind. Shouldn’t I be farther in life? But I look back and place lots of blame on other people and circumstances. However, I allowed a lot of those circumstances and relationships to happen and fester, so shouldn’t I blame myself? I do, partially. But I think I, and you, need to move past that point of pointing fingers.

We can excel. We can be better. We can be great. We can be super. But maybe we are our own enemy. Even when we blame others, we also blame ourselves. We don’t let ourselves move on emotionally. This person broke me. That person took my confidence. This person stole my positive attitude. That person made me lose hope in humanity. Yes, these thoughts and feelings I have all personally thought and felt at some point. And was my life ever THAT bad? Who is to judge? Was I ever homeless or dying of cancer or forced to be a sex slave? No. But just because we all have our own battles does not mean they are small or insignificant. They can be life changing.

It’s time to move on so life can be better. Release the thoughts, demons, pains, and the anxiety—release the naysayer.

You deserve it. Make a list of the wonderful things in your life and give thanks. Don’t forget the “small” stuff you may take for granted like hearing, seeing, breathing, moving, etc.

List some of your accomplishments. Be proud.

Remember, you are a super person. I know it’s nice to hear compliments from someone else, but maybe you just need to remember to compliment yourself and stop being your own worst critic.

Are You Working Too Hard On Your Relationship In Your Thirties?

I thought this was nicely put. 🙂

OMG I'm Thirty

“Relationships are hard work.”

I hear this a lot. And I think it’s kinda confusing.

Many things are hard work. Sometimes it’s hard work to drag myself out of bed when it’s really early. Or to figure out how to fix a laptop when it’s broken. There’s a good amount of work involved in completing a marathon. Or confronting someone when you’re upset with them. Or asking for a raise. Or building the Golden Gate Bridge.

I guess what I’m saying is that hard work is hard to define.

What constitutes hard work? What amount of work does it take… to build a relationship? Or to build an actual ship? To build the pyramids of Giza?

There’s a lot of different degrees of hard work. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I’ve come up with a theory. I think it’s possible you’re working too hard in your relationship.

Relationships…

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Let’s Talk Poop

Everyone Poops! There’s even a children’s book written about it. Check it out on Amazon (Everyone Poops). Why is shit such a taboo subject? We teach our kids it is okay to poop and everybody poops and you should poop in the toilet, not in your pants, but then that’s it—NEVER talk about poop again. But today, today I’m going to talk shit.

There is a frosted glass window in our bathroom. I can’t see out, but sometimes I swear people can see in. Can they see me sitting on the toilet? Are they noticing how long I’m sitting on there? Just last week I came home from work after dark. I marched upstairs, flipped on the bathroom light, pulled down my pants and sat to do my business when I heard a female voice shout: “Have a nice poop!” I looked towards the window, but I couldn’t see anything. The voice had come from outside; it was probably some smart-ass teenager walking by, but sitting on the john with my pants down to my ankles, I couldn’t think of a smart reply. I wasn’t really worried much about stepping out of the shower and someone seeing me naked, as the bathroom will fog up quite well, but now there is this added anxiety every time I sit on the toilet that someone thinks I’m taking a huge dump.

The other day I was watching Property Brothers on HGTV and there was a bathroom they were renovating that had been built with two toilets separated by a sliding pocket door. If you slid open the door you could hold hands with your partner and take a crap together! Yes, everybody poops, but we, at least most of us, want some privacy—more than a sliding door or any door can provide.

Taking a poo in public is something I think many of us fear. I think a lot of this has to do with knowing exactly what type of poo you’re dealing with. Sometimes it’s one that has been slowly brewing on the back burner for hours, but will come out perfectly and relatively quickly in a nice quiet plop. Then there’s the urgent, explosive kind where you just might need to brace yourself upon its exit—just like the kind we’ve all seen played out in the movies. This is the one we fear. It’s the fear of the sound, the stench, and the possibility that the toilet just might reject it. It’s “Oh, shit!” literally and figuratively speaking. Luckily, I haven’t yet had this public display of anxiety and embarrassment, but if I do, I’ll be sure to write about it in detail.

Well, that’s it for now. Happy pooping!

P.S. I’m not getting a dog until Vapoorize comes out.

Get Dressed

Did I mention I love pajamas? I LOVE pajamas. But pajamas aren’t always my friend. When I’m not working and I’m home; I am in pajamas. This presents a problem. Why? Because when I’m in my pajamas I’m usually pretty checked out. I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m lazy. I’m what I call slumpy-pants. No one likes slumpy pants, unless they are slumpy pants too, but how about only bringing slumpy pants out on a rainy day? So it’s a Monday today, typically and ironically one of my favorite days, but I made it slumpy pants day and today was just so-so. I usually don’t have to work on Mondays which is great and I especially like them when the Bachelor/Bachelorette is on, but it ended last Monday. I did some light cleaning and practiced my Spanish that I promised myself I would incorporate into my day, but that was the extent. Right now I’m replaying Selena Gomez’s song Good For You over and over because I like it, wanted to learn some words of it, and I didn’t recognize at first, that it reminds me of my younger days—when I was excited to go out—when I was excited to get dressed up. I almost never get dressed up any more. I have dresses in my closet waiting to be worn! This is craziness! There was a time I wished I had nice options to wear and now I don’t even wear them.

What am I doing about this abomination? I’m going to get up each day this week, post workouts, and dress like I’m going out on the town. Will I go out on the town? Well I do have a date with my cousin for a concert on Tuesday, so that WILL happen, but the rest of the week, who knows? But I what I really want to see is if prepping myself for something wonderful will prompt me to do something more fun and/or just make my attitude happier each day.

A side note- Damn do I miss dancing!! I use to get dressed up to go out dancing and it’s been way too long… And for fuck sake I am still young, I need to shake it while I still got it!

“I’m a marquise diamond, Could even make that Tiffany jealous.” – Selena Gomez

Get rid of those pants!

I ordered a new pair of pajamas the other day online. I love pajamas—camis, capris, camisoles, pants—any kind of sleepwear, and after I ordered them I thought, ‘do I really need these?’ But then, as I looked down at my worn green and off-white striped pajama pants that have stretched to fit approximately 2-3 sizes larger than me and I have to constantly hike up with a hole in the crotch, the answer was yes. It wasn’t just a shopping spree. It wasn’t just spur of the moment. Something was telling me to get rid of these old pajama pants. Therefore, a sale with free shipping was just the thing. I thought about the pajama pants I had on. Just how old were they? I recalled I typically haven’t purchased pants because I was living in Florida and it was too damn hot most of the time to wear any kind of pants. Then I remembered I had purchased them for a role in a movie where I needed casual ‘around-the-house’ wear. I’m pretty sure that movie was shot in 2005, which means those pajama pants are ten years old! That was four boyfriends ago, when the movie Hitch was in theaters, and I only had to work out twice a week for approximately 30 minutes to stay in shape. I was still working an office job, pursuing my acting dream, and still occasionally going to night clubs. I only had two semesters of college under my belt. In ten years, those pants have been through a lot. I’ve been through a lot. But sometimes you just have to let things go, especially the bad things. So today I shoved my negativity in those pants and trashed them. Goodbye pants!